HAPPY POO YEAR...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Hope it's the BEST for Erryone!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Hope it's the best y'all have ever had!!

Memo: Office Christmas Party...

December 1
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

* December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

* December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

* December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

* December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

* December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians!
I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell

* December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

Good Present/Bad Present??

December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes


December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist....
you're just too kind. Love, Agnes


December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes


December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes


December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes


December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes


December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me.
SMART ASS. Ag


December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They have never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag


December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sticking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag


December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister


December 25th (From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Letters to Satan... I mean... Santa...

Letters to Santa

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deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend, BiLLy


Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

---

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah


Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

---

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,
Teddy


Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mother, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis


Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan


Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my fucking face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy


Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again. Fuck You!

Santa

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Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky


Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,
Santa

Message From Santa...

Dear Friends

I have been watching you very closely

to see if you have been good this year

and since you have I will be telling my elves

to make some goodies for me to

leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all

gifts from the 12 days Christmas,

but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have

all come down with VD from fiddling with

the 10 ladies dancing,

the 11 lords leaping have knocked up

the 8 maids a-milking, and the

9 piperspiping have been arrested

for doing weird things to the

7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying,

4 calling birds,

3 French hens,

2 turtle doves

and the partridge in a pear tree

have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this!

Mrs. Claus is going through menopause,

8 of my reindeer are in heat,

the elves have joined the gay liberation

and some people who can't read a calendar

have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able

to get my shit together and bring you the things you want.

This year I suggest

you get your asses down to Walmart

before everything is gone.

Love, Santa

Gummy Bear Dance!!

Posted By:well...this sucks

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

You Is In DEEP Shit Now!!

Wineo Bowling..

Lilly and I say, " LET IT SNOW!"

We will bowl with the empties and lose our heads...
Figgered we might as well... Lost our minds ages ago...

Good Ole Santa...

A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice,

" Oh Santa please stay, keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go,
Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice. " Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay awhile...."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, " HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go,
Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.."

The girl takes off her bra and says, " Oh Santa... Please Stay.."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, " HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go,
Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.."

"Wait"!..She drops her panties and says, " Oh Santa.... Please... Stay..."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, " HEY HEY HEY, Gotta Stay, Gotta Stay, Can't get up the chimney with my willy this way..."

Santa Facts!

1. The people who help Santa make toys are called Mexicans.

2. Santa rides a hot Latino hooker on Christmas Eve.

3. Santa keeps a list of who is slutty and disease-free.

4. Santa is also known as Saint Lickalass.

5. Santa lives at the North YMCA.

6. Santa often slides down the woman of a house to deliver presents.

7. Truckstop hookers are animals who help Santa travel on Christmas Eve.

8. Santa gets a lot of porn from children in his mailbox.

9. Santa has a long white muffin on his face.

10. Santa wishes everybody a Merry Christmas!

REINDEER FACTS!

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME...
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December...
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring....
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a female..
We should've known...ONLY women would be able to drive a fat ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost....

Happy Birthday..

This is my brother Billy... The only brother I had... If Billy hadn't gotten himself killed on a motorcycle, today would have been his birthday...Happy Birthday Billy... I miss you...

WARNING WARNING!!

Something to Ponder...

I LOVE MY COMPUTER...